What Was The Question?

Debate club bends us over...and we like it?

I had a brief discussion with a new coworker today—actually an old coworker from my previous place of employment—when I learned, yet again, that I am an epic asshole.

I, like the nearly 60 million other people that tuned in to watch the “Presidential Debate” last night, am an asshole for watching.

No two words are as empty as ‘presidential debate’ in American politics. Last night was neither presidential nor a debate.

I am furious with myself for watching.

Please, someone claim my nether regions, as I am unworthy of the fortitude needed to proclaim them as my own.

No, I’m not being too harsh on me nor on you, asshole! If you watched the whole thing like I did you deserve a retreat to the finest Stalin era gulag you can find because you clearly enjoy torture.

The string of profanity I wish to hurl at myself in effort to capture failed despotic belligerence I swore it would take to get me to watch that would make the devil blush.

Or? I could sum it up with the best word in the English lexicon.

FUCK!

I fell for it.

Like all the other schmucks, I can’t believe I was sucked into that writhing mass of earthworms. (See, that’s funny, ‘cuz worms are hermaphroditic. Technically speaking, they don’t need to writhe with each other; they choose to for reproduction.)

This is the state of politics in the western world. Both Trump and Harris know they don’t need to ‘debate;’ they choose to for reproduction of a different kind. (Did anyone else get a gross picture there? Ew. Sorry, that was an incomplete thought)

Only, I wish to take this metaphor a bit further.

Here comes a real incomplete thought:

My self loathing attitude radiates from a knowledge that the state of politics in the west is nothing short of a drag show performed by lifeless, androgynous Walmart mannequins.

Oh, they got all gussied up though. 6 centimeters of orange tinted foundation and spray tan just scratched the surface. Who knows how much Aquanet was sacrificed to keep both of their hair still.

There goes the ozone layer again.

My metaphor by no means was to mock Drag performers. They are at least real people that know they are performing to a crowd. They know we know what’s really behind the breast plate and tucked exquisitely flat to the perineum. (Man, had I know that was a thing, going through puberty as 9th grader would have been way easier than explaining why I was holding my Biology text book at my waist in front of my art class). The lies and the truth are binary with drag, that’s why it’s interesting and entertaining for some. That’s is not politics, though.

Rather, what mascaraed on screen last night was exactly what I wanted to avoid: Complete and utter bullshit taken at face value. Zero choreography and no music! (David Muir, I know those thin lips and impeccable posture play a mean jazz flute)

Last night was all poorly produced and staged worse than a 7th grade student run drama club presentation of The Great Debaters. What’s worse both parties have clearly given up trying to lie well, but we don’t care. And, I don’t think most people can tell anymore.

From ‘eating the neighborhood dogs” to “800,000 manufacturing jobs”, it was just nonsense. Worse, they kept calling each other liars like an inside joke. Almost like their friends were home playing a drinking game for who could call the other a liar more times.

All I kept think about was the ‘Cat Game’ from Super Troopers. Seriously, it was the same. Watch that link, then think about the debate. Two gov’t officials meowed back and forth while we—Jim Gaffigan—sat in the car obedient, perplexed, assured, amused, then lost, bewildered and finally, acquiescent.

Why did you watch?

Don’t lie! You love a little sex with your violence (see any action movie). You, like me, wanted to watch the shit show, yet with a slight twinkle of hope for decorum and answers.

But man, last night. Phew. I haven’t seen anything like that since reality show the Flavor of Love. For those of you under 40, that show was, well…special.

Last night, I watched two slags spew lukewarm excrement from what my medical opinion identified as their mouths. It reminded me of the digestive remnants that were pumped out of my stomach two weeks ago while I struggled with a bowel obstruction. Foul, viscous, petulant and odiferous.

There was nothing to gain from watching.

So again, I why did we watch it?

Because I am part of the problem. And, so are you.

Some part of me believes in the notion of elected leaders needing to be beholden to the people, to get on the stump and actually say something we can trace back to them alone.

All I heard was the sound of a cat hacking up the same hairball over and over. Hack: Tax breaks. Hack: abortion. Hack: Guns. Hack: military. Hack: Putin. Hack: China. Hack, hack , hack…….Splat….Hairball.

Here you go people, play with the same toys over and over again. It’s not a hair ball, it’s a toy.

I knew they wouldn't answer a single question. I knew they would lie. I knew they would script their reaction. I knew the moderators wouldn’t hold both of them accountable. I knew the pundits would celebrate and swoon afterwards like we just witnessed the second coming of Jesus.

And depending on who you already decided to vote for, the debate went amazingly.

Because what was said wouldn’t matter to anyone watching.

The whole thing stunk of obsolescence. But, the little people wanted it. For posterity’s sake, they begrudgingly obliged tradition. The next day they would shake hands. And, why wouldn’t they. They aren’t in this for us. The debate wasn’t a debate.

Why did we watch?

Because we believe in an America that expects it’s elected officials to stand on their word and integrity? Not possible, integrity sells for little in government. Because we think that each should hold the other accountable? Not possible in this convoluted era of government. Because we were going to change our vote based on what they said? No.

Just.

No.

FUCK!

It’s because I have been groomed by the predators they are. Just like nearly 60 million other prey. Because I am a sucker. Because they wanted me to watch, so I watched.

Because I am an asshole lemming that can’t avoid the cliff under my nose.

It is confirmation bias on an impressive scale.

And, it works.

We love it.

It’s just like being stuck in traffic because of an accident half a mile ahead.

We bitch and moan when were at the back of line. But when we approach the scene, the crumpled plastic and metal, the lights, the EMT’s, the police and firemen, we all slow down to watch because we want a chance to see the bloodied air bag, the caution tape, the man on the stretcher and the drunk in cuffs.

9 times out of 10, all the flashing lights, the back up, the show was just an overreaction to a fender bender or flat tire.

We are pissed at everyone for being sheep and slowing down to look, but our necks are made of the same rubber.

If you slow down to look, your an asshole too.

Happy Election Season,

—Asshole